The Outlaw She Was Never Supposed to Want: Outlaw Hearts by Rosanne Bittner
Wanting someone your whole life has told you is wrong — and wanting them anyway — is a specific form of courage that does not always get named as such. The outlaw.
Wanting someone your whole life has told you is wrong — and wanting them anyway — is a specific form of courage that does not always get named as such. The outlaw.
Loving someone who holds themselves responsible for you — who has placed themselves in the category of guardian, protector, the person with obligations toward you that preclude other kinds of feelings — is a specific and patient kind of longing.
Trusting someone with your safety creates an intimacy that arrives uninvited — a specific, involuntary closeness that develops not through choice but through circumstance. And then the slower, more deliberate intimacy of realizing that you have, somewhere in the course of being protected, trusted them with something else entirely.
Building walls so well that you almost believe in them yourself is a particular kind of achievement. The humor that functions as deflection. The competence that functions as distance.
Invisibility as a survival skill — not the invisibility of absence but the invisibility of presence — is something women in constrained circumstances learn with precision. Being in the room, fully present, and still not registering on anyone’s attention.
A promise made long ago carries a strange power — the way it waits for you in a drawer or a memory or the back of a thought you thought you had dealt with.
Performing intimacy with someone you can’t stand is a uniquely vulnerable thing. You have to touch them, laugh at their jokes, let them pull you close in front of strangers — and somewhere in all that manufactured closeness, the edges start to blur.
Being seen at your absolute lowest and chosen anyway carries its own specific grace — not in spite of the damage but with full knowledge of it. Not the cleaned-up version of you that could theoretically be presentable, but the wreckage as it currently stands.
The particular intimacy of caring for someone who does not want to be cared for — who resists every kindness because accepting it means accepting a reality they have not yet made peace with — is a quiet and difficult thing.
Performing love with someone you might actually love carries a particular danger. You can play at tenderness for an audience — manufacture the looks, the small touches, the way you lean slightly toward each other in conversation.